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Episode 21: What's Amiss (Tales From the Crick)
What's Amiss is the twenty-first episode in the series and the first episode of Tales From the Crick. The Band of Boobs FINALLY enjoy a moment of rest and get some answers from Ulfgar about what went down in Hell. Ol' Cobb weaves a tale of his past adventures, Beverly goes from Green Teen to Green Man, Hardwon becomes a real captain, and Moonshine prepares for the storm ahead. Plot Synopsis The episode opens on our heroes, fresh and exhausted from the Galaderon Civil War, on the deck of the airship Hardwon and Ol' Cobb had commandeered. Ulfgar is below deck doing who knows what, and no one particularly wants to know at this moment. The entire Band of Boobs has leveled up to level 6, which allows for Moonshine's ample bosom to become just a bit more ample. Suddenly, Hardwon's sending stone begins to vibrate. It's Uncle Red on the other side, surprisingly still alive after the Civil War battles, and in turn surprised the Band of Boobs managed to survive. They coordinate to reunite. Nana Kindleaf informs them that they are all fresh children. Hardwon nudges Ol' Cobb with a knowingly glance. Ol' Cobb, confused, asks him what he's implying. "Oh she's just a fresh spring chicken to you Ol' Cobb, isn't she?" They turn to look at her to see Moonshine dressing her up to grab Ol' Cobb's attention. Ol' Cobb just does a thousand yard stare and says quietly, "Only one woman I've ever loved." and walks away by himself. This obviously does nothing to hamper the Band of Boobs determination to set up Nana Kindleaf and Ol' Cobb. Beverly suggests a data a la Lady and the Tramp, with Moonshine positing they should just dress Nana Kindleaf up real slutty. The planning committee is broken up by the sound of Ulfgar destroying the rooms below deck and screaming. Moonshine quietly locks the door to below deck and walks away to the Band of Boobs where the planning committee has a new item on the agenda: what to do with Ulfgar. Beverly pipes up that it doesn't seem like Ulfgar particularly enjoys what is happening to him and the BoB agree that they should question him. Hardwon insists they do it before sunset, so that they can set up a nice dusk date for Nana Kindleaf and Ol' Cobb. Beverly knocks on the door, asking if he's okay. Ulfgar screams back "MY THIRST FOR BLOD IS UNQUENCHABLE!" "...would you like a Capri sun or something?" Beverly asks politely back. Ulfgar informs him he will destroy every single Capri Sun but he will consume blood in little metal bags that LOOK like capri suns. "So....maybe a Gatorade?" asks Beverly. Ulfgar responds/screams that he would like some Raspberry Gatordae that looks like blood. The Band of Boobs decide that actual blood would be very bad, because it would most likely start the blood lust up again and honestly that would not be great for any of them. Moonshine starts crushing up some cranberries and tree sap she's brought along with her in her herbalism kit (and just a dash of Crick Water, obviously a Crick Elf secret ingredient). Moonshine decides this isn't enough and decides to enchant the drink with "Charm Person." Since it's on a drink he will consume and not on Ulfgar himself, the Charm won't allow Moonshine to influence him but will calm Ulfgar down if it is successful. She pours it in a wineskin and tosses it down to Ulfgar. Ulfgar voraciously consumes the drink and fails his wisdom saving throw. The Band of Boobs ask him if it's alright for them to come down now to talk to him, he pauses and slowly opens the door to let them in, like a sullen teenager. Moonshine begins questioning Ulfgar, telling him they just want to know more about Thiala. This is a mistake. Ulfgar begins to go into some kind of frenzy, slowly building up, as he screams he hates Thiala. Moonshine's attempt to placate him go uneffective or unheard. Beverly, ever the problem solver, begins to massage his shoulders, making Ulfgar more relaxed than he's been in years. Ever talented Paw Paw begins to work methodically on his feet as well. Hardwon undoes Ulfgar's braids and tries to comb his hair. Hardwon is...very bad at his task and hits a painful knot in the beard. Ulfgar grabs his face and starts squeezing it, telling Hardwon not to touch his beard. Hardwon promises him he'll do a better gentler job, but Ulfgar slams his face down on the table, but let's Beverly and Paw Paw continue to massage him. Hardwon is quietly dying inside since Ulfgar is his hero. Ulfgar starts yelling to everyone that "this dude sucks!" As he points to Hardwon. "Let it be known that Ulfgar thinks this dude sucks! This possum is fine.THIS DUDE SUCKS." Beverly, in hopes of making Ulfgar not furious asks him if he likes music. Ulfgar informs him he likes the sound of axes and picks hitting the hard walls as they mine. Hardwon perks up, "Like my wood block!" He pulls it out and begins to play a song from Irondeep. High ho, High ho, It's in the mine we go, high ho, high ho, we go down below. Repeat Ulfgar and the whole crew soon join in, enthusiastically. Ulfgar begins to cry one single giant gooey tear of happiness as he squeezes Hardwon's shoulder way too hard. Paw paw works on Ulfgar's cuticles as he sings. How Ulfgar got Sick With Ulfgar calmed, Moonshine again tries to question him, asking him what happened to him to get him to how he is. "You mean about this?" He growls as he pulls off one of his blackened scabs. "Let's start there, do you remember how it happened?" Ulfgar tells them that this is one of the few things he remembers, his sickness came from the Nine Hells, around Hell 8 near the end. There was a demon woman, one of Asmodeus's generals, who's name he didn't catch. He didn't kill her because they had a lot to do that day, like killing the Devil. They injured her greatly but she got away. Before she left, she shot him with something. It didn't hurt at first, but soon scabs started to grow all over them. "She looked like," Ulfgar continued, as he turned to Moonshine, "she had mushrooms in her hair." He grabs Moonshine's hair, but regains his composure and pulls back. "She got away, and slowly throughout the months, throughout the years, I've gained this appetite for violence, more so than usual." Moonshine then asks him where Thiala came into this. He was in a weakened state and Thiala was able to have a lot of influence over him because of his new weakened state. "I'm not safe to be around, I'm not a good guy to be around." He growls as he looks at them. The Band of Boobs tries to reassure him that he's fine, but they shiver even as they try to placate him. Beverly asks him if he wants them to take him somewhere safe. Ulfgar laughs and yells that he is safe everywhere, it is others who are not safe from Ulfgar. Hardwon asks Ulfgar if he knows what happened to Alanis. Ulfgar takes a moment, his memory has grown worse and worse over the years of his Crick Rot affliction. Struggling to remember he tells the Band of Boobs what he knows. He and his crew had all entered the Nine Hells as one team, one side. But they came out and they were still friends but in the days after there were arguments and Alanis and Thiala didn't agree on what everyone should do next. There was a huge fight and Thiala did something to Ulfgar he can't remember. And there his memory is blank to specifics, but he knows that he and Thiala fought Alanis. Moonshine then asks again about Asmodeus. Ulfgar remembers that he and his crew had killed Asmodeus, but something else happened. There was another devil, not the mushroom woman, but the Necromancer Ilsed. Thiala and Ulfgar had worked with Ilsed, the evil monster who had started the entire war. In his fury at remembering his own betrayal, he punches through the wall. He can't remember what happened, but he does know that Ilsed betrayed Asmodeus at the last moment. Thiala and Ulfgar didn't have the energy to fight Ilsed too after their battle. Ilsed was now the King of the Nine Hells. Ulfgar screams and pushes pass Hardwon and runs upstairs. The Band of Boobs follow him upstairs. Moonshine shouts out to Ol' Cobb to not shoot Ulfgar. Ol' Cobb attempts to calm Ulfgar down, persuading him not to attack any of the civilians on board at that moment. Ulfgar is shaking as he walks closer and closer to the edge of the ship. The Band of Boobs try to reassure him that there is enough to live for, and not to jump, to stay with them. There is no dissuading Ulfgar, his guilt at his betrayal to the people of the realm mixed with his volatile nature consumes him entirely. He promises that one day he'll be able to help the Band to redeem his name, but he cannot possibly do it at this moment, not like this. "Find a cure, and find me." He says, as he steps off the bridge. Beverly goes to cast Nature's fury to stop Ulfgar from falling, but Hardwon places a hand on him to stop him. "No kid, this is what he wants." Moonshine casts Gusts of Wind to try and soften Ulfgar's landing from his many thousand of feet drop, but is unsuccessful. The Band of Boobs try to decompress, discussing with Ol' Cobb what they learned from Ulfgar, specifically about Ilsed. He knows nothing more about Ilsed, in fact he knows less. Moonshine, finding this line of questioning fruitless, then asks if he knows anything about a Mushroom woman in the 8th Circle of Hell. Ol' Cobb does a crazy double take. "I mean...it couldn't be." And gives another thousand-yard stare. Hardwon pulls Beverly and Moonshine away and tells them what Ol' Cobb had said earlier, about only loving one other woman. Ol' Cobb had gone off into a stare eerily similar to the one he had now. The BoB begin to suspect the two facts are related. The BoB notices that Ol' Cobb has gotten suspiciously close to the edge of the ship. When they yell out to him, he tells them he was just getting super pensive. Moonshine, reminding Ol' Cobb that they've been friends for a long time, tells him he can't shut her out. Hardwon passes him a bottle of Crick Water, and Moonshine sets up some folding chairs on the deck so they can watch the horizon as Ol' Cobb tells them his story. She who has no Hospitality Ol' Cobb turns to Moonshine and asks her if she's ever heard of She who has no Hospitality, down at the Crick. Moonshine assures him she has but thought it was a joke, a children's nursery rhyme meant to scare young 'uns. "She who has no hospitality, she who has no, don't come anywhere near me." Moonshine tells them that it was a game down at the Crick, someone would become She who has no Hospitality and no one would talk to them for the rest of the day. Ol' Cobb, usually one to keep it light, is greatly upset by this. He tells Moonshine that she has an Auntie that she's never been told about, her name is Marabelle, Jolene's little sister. He wants to tell them everything, but decides that telling it through a ritual will help the story. He huffs Crick Water and passes it down the line, Moonshine transfer her trance to everyone, allowing everyone to see Ol' Cobb's flashback. His voice fades away and the flashback tells the story. We see young Ol' Cobb with a magic blunderbuss, glittering with magical energy, and he's flanked by Marabelle and Jolene. Jolene looks very similar to Moonshine and has a fat possum in a little baby Bjorn, bigger than Paw Paw. This is Maw Maw Gump, Paw Paw's mom. The Boobs see the three engage in a fight against some Bullywugs who are eating at an evil potluck, very similar to adventures the Boobs themselves have had. Marabelle turns into a Fungal Queen with four tentacles, way more messed up than Moonshine's fungal queen has ever been. After the dust has settled, Marabelle turns back into her elven form and pounces on Ol' Cobb and they start rolling around on the ground, engaging in some heavy petting. Jolene begins to collect Bullywugs legs for a jambalaya. Ol' Cobbs voice fills the Boobs's ears. Marabelle was the strongest of them all, and when it came time for a new Meemaw, she thought it should be her. But the Old Folks Circle thought it should be Jolene since she was less impulsive and better suited for leadership. Marabelle screams and interrupts the ceremony crowning Jolene as leadership. She couldn't handle it, and challenged Jolene to a fight right then and there. Marabelle scratches Jolene across the face, causing scratches that instantly look infected. Jolene is pissed, and the fight begins. Spores, blood fighting. Marabelle was a better fighter but Jolene wore her down with her strategic fighting. Jolene wins and Marabelle storms off even as Ol' Cobb tries to comfort her. Marabelle was different after the fight. She pledged herself to Asmodeus in return for more power. The flashback turns to Marabelle, meditating in a green field, with the plant life around her dead and spreading. She tried to take the Crick for herself. She is now a Demon Queen, more terrifying than before. She fells one Crick Elf after the other until Jolene is able to interfere. Marabelle, thrilled at the chance to end her rival, wraps her tentacles around Jolene, until they reach her neck. The tentacles grow tighter and tighter until a shot rings out. Marabelle turns, and Young Cobb is standing there with a smoking blunderbuss, his eye has just been ripped out in the battle. Marabelle looks hurt and betrayed, and in that momentary distraction, Jolene calls lightening down on both of them, throwing the sisters apart in a flash of white light. Marabelle is lying there, barely conscious. Young Cobb stands over her, blunderbuss poised, finger on the trigger, and bites his lip. His hand and whole gun is shaking, until he finally lowers it. "I just couldn't do it, she was the only woman I ever loved." Marabelle recovers just enough, smirks, and disappears in black flame. The Flashback Ends. Ol' Cobb is racked with guilt, but the Band of Boobs comfort him with Hardwon reassuring him that now he can redeem himself. Moonshine vows to kill Marabelle and asks Ol' Cobb if he had ever considered that Marabelle had been the cause of Crick Rot. He says he's surprised that she is out of Hell at all, and didn't think it could have been her. Moonshine theorizes that when Asmodeus was defeated, this broke her chain to the Nine Hells and she was free to leave. Finally the Boobs know what's amiss at the crick: Marabelle. A plan comes together and Good-Byes Hardwon suggests they turn the ship towards the Crick, but the group hesitates at the idea of bringing civilians along. Moonshine assures everyone that the Crick is as hospitable as hospitable can be, but Ol' Cobb interrupts her with a foreboding question. "When uh, when was the last time you went to the Crick?" He asks. Moonshine realizes she hasn't been in the Crick for awhile, and can tell by Ol' Cobb's voice that the Crick has greatly changed since she left. Beverly reminds everyone that his family has a house in Ezry that they could drop Egwene, Martha, Erlin, and Nana Kindleaf at. But Martha is hesitant to stay at a place so very close to Galaderon. At that moment Uncle Red finally shows up in the SS Stormborn. Hardwon, eager to impress his one connection to his past, holds up Galad's head and mimes kissing it. Uncle Red is sufficiently amused to satisfy Hardwon's craving of parental approval, but also warns Hardwon of potential diseases from smooching a head. Martha suggests that they head to Head Holm, a country-side village where the Toegolds and the Kindleafs have some family. Egwene speaks up and tells the Band that she wants to come with them very badly, but thinks it's best for her and Erlin to go with their grandma and Martha to Head Holm. Moonshine agrees and tells her this is a pretty adult move. Egwene, overwhelmed with everything, admits to Moonshine that she thinks she's pretty freaking cool and gives her a big hug. Moonshine holds her so tight, so happy she finally has the approval of a teenager. Red and Gunther, given the option between transporting the band of non-fighters or going to the Crick and fighting the Devil, choose to head on to Head Holm. Hardwon has one last request before they split: to trade ships so he can have his father's ship. Before the groups diverge, Beverly approaches Erlin and gives him his Green Teen handbook with a little note written for him. Beverly turns to his Mom and hands her his merit badge sash and tells her it's time for him to become a Green Knight, and leave behind the Green Teens, there's too much happening in this world for him not to. She kisses them all good-bye. Egwene comes and gives them all firm handshakes, except for Beverly who she gives a compulsory wedgie. As she shakes Moonshine's hand, Moonshine sneaks her a flask of Crick Water with a knowing wink and a reminder to huff not drink. Erlin comes and says his own good-byes, acknowledging that he's not ready right now to come and join them but he's going to work really hard and become a powerful cleric and build a waterslide in Galaderon where you can get from the top to the bottom of the city in no time flight. An actual waterslide, not a spell one. Beverly smooches him one last time before he leaves. Uncle Red says good-bye, telling them he's going to sell the ship and finally settle down and asking them to visit whenever they can. The ship sails off to the other side of the continent, close to Irondeep, safe from the War. The Band of Boobs: Alone again Agreeing that it was narratively satisfying that it's a fellow Crick Elf who is the cause of Crick Rot, Moonshine is still deeply upset by this new information. Beverly decides that now is the time for that apology breakfast he promised so long ago. As night descends, Hardwon decides to explore the SS Stormborn and Moonshine begins her normal trance on deck, hoping to commune with Melora. She asks Melora what she's supposed to do, how is she supposed to kill someone who shares her own blood. The ocean was just calm but it starts rocking as Moonshine prays, with the waves getting just a bit bigger and a bit bigger until a giant wave washes over her and the ship crashing onto the shore. It does no damage, but Moonshine interprets this as encouragement to let this newfound anger and rage grow, putting aside the hospitality she so greatly prides herself on. Ol' Cobb comes over to talk to her, discussing his regrets and telling Moonshine how much like Jolene she is. Moonshine commits out-loud her desire to put away her hospitality to fight her Aunt, a fellow Crick Elf. Cut to Hardwon in his father's Captain quarters, practicing his wood block. Above the bed, he puts the Wanted Poster of the Widow, his mother. He notices that there is a little false wall next to where he put the post, it's a small cubby. He opens it up and there is a dope pirate's Captain's Hat. He tries it on, and looks cool as hell. He struts up to the deck to show it off, and everyone agrees he looks good as hell. Beverly realizes that now is as good a time as any to finally bring out the gift his mother had given him from his father, and uses the whetstone, activating it's powers. He officially changes the name of his sword, and etches Hardshine into it. Beverly heads down to the crew's quarters, climbs into a bunk bed, hangs up a picture of Erlin, and lays his head down. Finally, after a very long day, the Band of Boobs gets to sleep. Entering the Crick Moonshine wakes up early to fish for the whole crew before they all begin the hike into the Crick. The Band of Boobs learns of the history and political structure of the Crick as Moonshine greets all the animals that she sees and knows. Eventually Beverly realizes that the Crick Elves don't necessarily have different animals, just wildly different names for animals and other wildlife. Beverly hopes to stump Moonshine and points to a praying Mantis. "What's that called?" "That's Joe! You don't know Joe?" Beverly is stumped, but offers Joe a Whether's Original. They finally arrive at the Crick, as the sun sets. To the East they can see lights and activity, but to the West there is only darkness and fog despite there being Crickstreets over there. Divine sense tells Beverly that there is a lot of evil towards the West side of the Crick. The Band of Boobs suddenly hear a wagon. Written on the side is "Thrifty Schwiftys." A gnome greets them and asks them if they're interested in his wares, including health potions. At first the Band is hesitant, but realize that they desperately need health potions for future battles. After telling Beverly to put on earmuffs, the gnome informs the rest of the Band that he has some off the menu items for them if they're interested, namely, R. Cane. Hardwon immediately buys a vial of yellow R. Cane, lying to Beverly who sees him buying something. After some bargaining and light assault, Moonshine buys some health potions with help from Hardwon. Before he leaves, the gnome asks if anyone is of the gambling persuasion and offers them all a turn with the Deck of Many Things. Assuring them this is not a trick, the gnome tells them this is a legendary deck with high-powered cards, with some where the character will essentially die. Hardwon, saying he's a superstitious boy, decides not to play, he's already the man. But Moonshine and Beverly decide to pull a card. Moonshine pulls the Star Card, and the Card turns into little gold specks and fill up her body making her feel stronger, smarter, whatever she wants. She can increase one of her abilities by two. Beverly turns his card around and sees a picture of a little halfling knight, almost like a trading card. The knight has a white moustache and white hair. The knight appears in front of Beverly, out of the card, and bows to him. He declares he will protect Beverly with his life. Here, is Balnor, pulled from another war to serve Beverly. Balnor is unable to remember anything about his previous life, only that his name is Balnor and Beverly is his new son who he loves. Beverly declares he loves his new weak dad and hugs him firmly. He introduces him to the rest of the Band of Boobs. Hardwon reminds Beverly that he has a dad who just happens to be in the Fey Wild, which Beverly assures him he remembers but this is his new butler dad. The Boobs feels a little uncomfortable and begin trying to plot how to get rid of Balnor and not have a forced servant. They decide the perfect ending is for Balnor to become the dad of everyone at the dwarphenage. The Band of Boobs finally enter the East side of the Crick, with Balnor proudly taking up the rear, while everyone else agrees that Balnor super sucks. As they enter, Beverly feels that the West side has the greatest evil he's ever felt. While Moonshine, wrapped in the warmth and familiarity of the sounds and noises of the Crick can't help but turn towards the cold, dark West Side. There, there she can feel it. She can feel that that's where somethin' ain't right in the Crick. And that's where we'll end our synopsis. Trivia * Gatorade is in fact a drink down at the Crick, it is when a gator helps you and then pisses in your drink. Quotes "We didn't kill the devil, we replaced him." "Everyone trades off being the weak one and the strong one. Some days your the weak one and the next day you're the strong one." "We can absolutely go to Shoney's. If you ever have any time off, I'll take you all to Shoney's. Shoney's on me." "Did that kid just tease me?" "I think I'm going to set aside the welcome mat, and get a little mean." "She thinks she's the mother fucking Fungal Queen, but she ain't got shit on you." "You are my son and I am weaker than you and I love you. My name is Balnor." "I love my new weak dad." "This is my new butler dad." Music/ Sound Effects "Woodpecker and Other Birds" by Kyster at Freesound.org. "The Gunslinger's Girl" by Emily Axford. "The Mithril's Run Dry" by Emily Axford. "The Ruins of Cragwater" by Emily Axford. "Betrayal Below" by Emily Axford. "Sumpin's a Mess Out West" by Emily Axford. "Friend Turned Foe" by Emily Axford. "A Sign From Melora" by Emily Axford. "Bev's First Kiss" by Emily Axford. "The Twinkling Lights of Galaderon" by Emily Axford. "Forsaken" by Emily Axford. "The Valiant Ol' Cobb" by Emily Axford. "Apotheosis" by Emily Axford. External Links * Headgum * Spotify * NAD&DP Subreddit Thread Category:Season 1 Category:Tales From the Crick